Marriage

This year we celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary – and ten years of being ‘together’. Through the past decade we have had a lot of laughs, talking, love, conversation, loving, talking, loving and probably more talking Recently, friends’ marriages have ended. The ones who had a slow engagement and then married and the ones who met and married. I love love. (and so do they). This is a reminder for me (for you?) on how important keeping connection in marriage is… a few tips shall we say? 

Books I have read that are totally helpful (at any point in your marriage). Note: I read a lot about marriage. Like I do about child-rearing. Like I do about Christianity. This isn’t when it’s failing, rather to protect something so special to me. I want to know what a 2 year old should be doing so I read about 2 year olds. Same way, I want love to last in our marriage, I want to be a great wife. Almost a Proverbs 31 wife. But sigh. The cloth making enterprise in my own home is NOT ever going to work… I also listen to podcasts. 

So my fave marriage/love teachings are: The Marriage Course/Book by HTB, any dating/relationship book I find(!) and then the CD series from Danny Silk: Defining the Relationship. And a recent find is the one by Zig Ziglar (now, I can’t remember this title but he is an incredible writer and inspired the likes of Seth Godin etc… so pretty incredible at that!!) 

I think the most important thing in marriage is. Wait. There are so many, so very many important things in marriage. And since all the words in my blog are goggle-able (if you get me) then I will write about the relationship/talking/conversing aspect of marriage. I’m sure you can find blogs/books on the other parts…

I think being connected: connecting is pretty much the most important thing. So often we get busy. Really busy. Ryan may be in a conference, or working late, for several nights in a row. I might be busy with my stuff, feeding, facebook etc So when we see each other it’s a very quick hello/goodnight/how are you. This kind of conversation can only last for us for a few days. Rather like a business transaction. I give a brief update on the children, any repairs to the house, financial figures, any highlights of the day. I receive a brief update on his day. There is a connection (because we work at that for all the other days we are not really busy) but it would not sustain our marriage. 

We would not actually be doing anything at all together. It really would be business. Rather than friendship, love, or fun…and we would end up running two separate lives. Separately. And if they happened to cross paths it would either be good, or (most probably for us) very bad!

In the recent book by Zig, he has a questionnaire and it asks how many times a day do you hold hands without needing to. So initially I thought ‘hardly ever’, but after waiting it out through the day, realised that we do hold hands if going for a walk, sitting in the car – ha imagine being like the couples who sit at traffic lights having a kiss imagine! So holding hands seems so well, basic, doesn’t it? But this is about the ‘connection’. 

What I mean by ‘connection’ is: meeting someone in a deep way – not like the ‘encounter’ you will have with the supermarket checkout lady (or the self scanner unit… I guess if you do all your communication via email/social media it could end up like that.. that would be pretty bad for us!!) So connecting at a level where you can not only talk about the events, but about feelings, about emotions and connect in a soul-to-soul kind of way.

This has taken me years to discover! Rushing around isn’t conducive to a long lasting relationship. You get cross. You don’t understand the other person. They don’t understand you. Oh wait. I’m not naturally a busy person. Just in the past five years we have had three wonderful children and somehow from the hours of 7am-6pm I get really really really busy. Never too busy to eat, but just a bit too busy to have super-dooper deep conversations. So we worked out we need a few evenings a week together to re-connect! ha. Not just to go through out diaries and make plans -although we do – because knowing what each other is doing actually helps

I would say that our relationship is better now than when we first got married. It was wonderful then, just making our first home, just enjoying two incomes to spend on us and our holidays [pause to remember our hols to California, Zimbabwe, Paris, Oxford, Cambridge............... loved it! and I love it now - it is so different, and, different is good]. Now we are a family of five things change. And change is also good. Yesterday we realised that Beth and Ben would be staying at my parents overnight and Ryan suggested we catch a train to Paris with Alyssia. OH how I would have loved that. OH how I love that we can still think of things like that

Being connected means that you deal with things. Means that you forgive. Not the forgiveness that you dig back up to use as ammunition in a future argument. btw that’s not forgiveness. Nor is forgiveness saying what happened doesn’t matter. It is about talking about what happened, how you feel and then choosing to give the gift of forgiveness (and not seeking to sneakily take that gift back at some point in the future – you can’t with a real gift can you?) and in choosing to forgive you may forget, you may not, but it’s about your heart response to that person in the hours and days/weeks etc, to come.

So we deal with things. Small things, big things, and mainly expectations. You know. The silent ones. The silent ones that can often kill relationships – and no-one knows why, because they had NO idea what on earth your expectation was. Yeh. Those. You know? Either expectations on someone else. Or on yourself. Here’s a simple one – but you can replace with any scenario. I was absolutely stressed out for several days at 5.15 pm. This is around the time Ryan gets home. There I am with baby in arms, two older children playing and I decide it’s tidy up time and time to cook tea, and time to sort out everything I didn’t get round to in the whole day: laundry/ironing/cleaning/paperwork/unload and load the dishwasher. Can you see this is turning into a disaster… well. As soon as Ryan gets home – probably late as the roadworks are in place for SIX weeks… I just tell him all that I couldn’t do, it’s garbled, I don’t make sense, and then he asked: Why did you try and do it all at once. I said: for you so you get home to a tidy home. We both laugh. thankfully I laugh. My expectation on myself is perfect home for his return. I realise that this is impossible. And begin removing the expectation I put on myself (shame, I loved the ideal of perfect housewife with three children all sat silently paying their own thing, maybe with a little halo around their head, and some classical music playing, as I WAKE UP… this isn’t my life!!!). We realised that 5pm gets super stressful for me because I try to make it all perfect, but that can wait. Dinner can’t! You know what, I think that coming home to us all content – no halos or the likes – is probably more welcoming than a stressed-running out of control wife So glad we talked about that one!

In dealing with the little things, and, it usually is the little things that you hold onto, that makes the next little thing that little bit bigger, which after a few months of this means you start hardening your heart. Start trying to ‘get even’. Start trying to despise the other and then love begins to get lost. So if you have little things… please, take a moment, go on a walk, hold hands, talk, talk, talk…… and let the little thing get sorted out. It protects your marriage. Danny Silk in the CD series spoke about being connected and how that keeps your relationship alive. So by dealing with the small things, the love, romance, fun, love … all can be enjoyed as you have fun in relationship with each other.

To sumarise: talk. Don’t make your relationship like a business transaction. Don’t take record of wrong to use against the other in the future (because if you do, so does the other and it’s not actually nice hearing their list……)

You know I like words so I will ponder on this as I drink my coffee for the morning, but scroll lower to read the message version: 1 Corinithians 13:

⁴ Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

⁵ It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) anddoes not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights orits own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

⁶ It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

⁷ Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

⁸ Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

 

The Message version says:

   Love never gives up. 
   Love cares more for others than for self. 
   Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. 
   Love doesn’t strut, 
   Doesn’t have a swelled head, 
   Doesn’t force itself on others, 
   Isn’t always “me first,” 
   Doesn’t fly off the handle, 
   Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, 
   Doesn’t revel when others grovel, 
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 
   Puts up with anything, 
   Trusts God always, 
   Always looks for the best, 
   Never looks back, 
   But keeps going to the end.

   Love never dies.

 

It is this love that connects us.  Love that never gives up, love that takes pleasure in truth, love that trusts and looks for the best – never looking back (aka real forgiveness) and keeps on loving.

Thankful for our relationship. And more so to the God who makes love in our hearts so very real, as He loved us first in a way that we can only receive, and love as best we can in return: perfect love. A love that holds us. Thank you God.

Love A xox

All about Ryan…

Hi friends: Here is THE event for February that you will want to come join us for

The album is now on ITUNES…. go to http://itunes.apple.com/gb/artist/ryan-baker-barnes/id497369507 to buy on itunes or listen to the previews.

More on my husband here: http://ryanbakerbarnes.com/

If you want to buy a CD email through Ryan’s website and we can arrange it

So there we are. 10 fantastic songs, one fantastic husband. I am so proud of him and what he has achieved over the past 18 months (and forever before that) – and it shows in this incredible album.

I told you it was all about Ryan. I was right. It is. Thanks for sharing in my joy. See you at the launch? Love A xox

A weekend away

This past weekend, we celebrated my birthday (which is in 18 days’ time) at a lovely hotel in Stratford – Upon – Avon. The weekend was filled with food, conversations that we finished and smiles. We ate so much GOOD food, drank so much coffee and enjoyed being together. We read magazines mine: Ideal Home for Christmas; Ryan: The Guitarist. Didn’t see that coming did you It was the best time just being two.

My fabulous sister and her husband looked after Beth and Ben – it was his first time away from me for more than a day, that day that I went to the Cake Show! And he had such a lovely time with them. Although, Beth did wake up at 5.30 am to tell Ellie her ‘good idea’ and her ‘brilliant news’…. I hadn’t anticipated Beth waking Ellie up that early; especially with ‘news’.

Driving back home, we took a detour of an exquisite castle with a monastic ruin. It looked so pretty with all of the Christmas decorations, and Porsches outside

Then as we drove onto the motor way, listening to Aftermath (United) our conversations shifted to THE Album Release. It was amazing how we both had similar ideas and hopes for the album and look forward to some exciting developments in the future and for the future of worship.

It’s so wonderful creating new ideas, thinking about the future but the actual execution (ha) of an idea takes oh so much longer. The waiting, the hoping, the watching to see what will happen and then the question: will it be as good as you imagined. It’s not like you ever think up a bad idea and try and follow it through to completion is it? No. It’s only the good ideas. I woke up early this morning to do some research, some thinking and some planning…. Perhaps I too had awoken with a ‘good idea’. I think it’s beautiful that my daughter would also awake with a ‘good idea’ too.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.

Wedding day

Today Ryan’s aunty and uncle have come to look after our children so that we can go to a wedding near Cambridge Today I am wife of the Best Man! Ok, that’s my role every day (wink).
The sun is shining, the sky is bright blue, we are on the motor way and then we will be there.

I love marriage, I love love and I love celebrating people. So it’s a perfect day for a wedding!

So excited to have a day together with Ryan, we were just saying that this we haven’t done this-ie gone to a wedding without children, well, since we had children!

love a xox

A lunar eclipse?

Last night, I was lying on the sofa reading the news and I stumbled upon the bit about how last night in the UK there was meant to be a lunar eclipse. Ryan was making music in the ‘garden room’ – it’s like a conservatory but just not as hot in summer or cold in winter…

I opened the doors onto the patio and looked around. Nope. No eclipse. I could see everything, there was no red sheen. Shame. Then I went back inside and explained it all to Ryan. He had his headphones in because he was recording. Then it hit me… The last Lunar Eclipse was July 2000/2001. I think it was 2000?

What were you doing when the sky went black around 10 years ago at noon? I had just returned from a trip to America with my parents, we went to Alaska too. I was working in River Island Dudley, I had a bright yellow VW old Beetle as my car. I was about to start a gap university. I had just arrived at work and was on ‘security’ (hahaha!) and that gave me a chance to go follow some people outside and see for myself what the sky was like darkened in the day time.

Last night, I realised my life was sooooooo different ten years on. Not only the fact that I wasn earning something like £3.75 per hour (hahaha again! how low were the wages? Better than my first job of £2.10 as a waitress though?) Where we were living, who I was living with. Friends I had then. Most of whom I no longer even know. What I thought about life, and love and everything in between.

Who would have known I would then have begun university, travelled the world, met and married Ryan and then had a brief career as a teacher. OK. It was very brief. Before having my Bethany Hope. And Benjamin Theo.

God knew.

He delicately holds every desire of my heart in his hands and enables my dreams to become reality by believing in His will for my life. Controlled? Nope. Free Will to chose what I want? Yes, absolutely. Free Will to choose God’s best plan for my life: YES, YES, YES! This way, I can hope, dream, and imagine life in the future. Which becomes my present.

A decade ago life was fun, full and exciting as I didn’t really know where I was heading, who I would share the journey with and where it would take me.

Now a decade on, I am delighted with my past and delighting in my present and can’t wait for what’s around the corner…

I talked to a friend today who said his birthday is approaching, at the age of 27 he feels he is getting close to 30. I wanted to say that I am 30 in 6 months…. And I love it. I love that I’ve had a go at so many things for so many days, weeks, months, years! Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes you just have to try before you realise it’s going to fail. Sometimes the reason you try and fail is to learn the lesson of the process. I guess the reason we are afraid of big birthdays (we is the generic term. I think it’s going to be quite THE partay!) is because we try to take stock of how far we have or haven’t come, where we are or are not satisfied.

But if you allow yourself to love, live and let the master potter create true beauty from the muddy clay of your life there is no way you can fail! By surrendering you can have it all. I know. It doesn’t make sense this life of being a Christian, does it? Misty Edwards says ‘it’s an inside out, upsidedown kingdom where you die to gain…’ not literal death, just the kind where you allow God to take your life and as I wrote a few paragraphs ago, remind yourself that:

He delicately holds every desire of your heart in his hands and enables your dreams to become reality by believing in His will for your life.

I could make more of the allegory of the moon blocking the view of sun. And the comparison between things in life that cause a total or partial eclipse, but you know what I’m saying

With a heart full of thanks, hope and love for all that has past and all that is to come, A xox

I love my family

First of all….. Sorry! I was writing and uploading my blog but they don’t seem to have made it into wordpress.com. Ooops!

This one is from Friday….. Right. Now. How to fix my blog…..! xox

The other night, we went shopping after work. And then took the children out to Nando’s. I have to say it was the best time as a family at a restaurant EVER. Our children were amazing… You know like the well behaved children in a restaurant you aspire to having one day. Beth even went up to the manager to ask if she could have a balloon!

We have found more music. Ok. Ryan found more music:-

Ryan found this band and we love it – hope you enjoy it. This music is exceptional. Watch on youtube to get a taster – they are a three piece band playing at least three times as many instruments. Beautiful Lyrics. Beautiful Worship.

Future of Forestry is a band from San Diego. I don’t know much else, but aren’t the words melting you right now?

Yesterday we painted the fence and Ryan fixed up the garden shed. Our patio was completed and it is looking amazing out there. We have been relaxing ready for the big conference this week.

Enjoy the music. And everyone who is close to you! Love xox

Royal Wedding

The couple are waking up this morning, getting ready and in just a few hours Kate Middleton will become a princess.

An actual princess.

Yes, I’ll be watching. But as I watch the news this morning, I’m kind of overwhelmed for them – what an affair to share with the entire world! Although, they have been prepared for this day – you know those wedding nerves (no, I didn’t say cold feet) – well those would be multiplied by a gazillion because sooooo many people are there watching, cheering you on.

Congratulations Prince William and soon – to – be Princess Kate

She will vow to: “love, comfort, honour and keep” her husband, but not “obey”

I vowed to Love, Honour and Obey. And seeing this beautiful event unfold on BBC news reminds me of our wedding day, of my vows and how I seek to keep them each and every day!

May the Prince and Princess have an exceptional marriage, that this day would be all they hoped for – that they would enjoy each moment of this truly momentous day: their Royal Wedding.

Oh… AND I CAN’T WAIT to see THE dress It’s going to be absolutely beautiful!

Can you tell, I love the Royals?

With Love xox

p.s: The Drummer on my Ryan’s debut album is playing with Ellie Goulding at the Reception of the Wedding later today.  Yes. It’s true -well done, have a wonderful ‘gig’! x

Things to worry about

So I had such a lovely birthday weekend with Ryan, we had a meal, shopping and coffee dates. Then last night we were talking, having fun. Then I decided to do the ironing. And Ryan brought me a glass of wine. Somehow the shirt knocked the glass off the cabinet and spilt pretty much all over a section of the carpet. Pretty annoying. And it looks stupid now. There isn’t much of a stain, but enough to bother me. Annoying.

Last week we got the car cam belt changed, we got the quote had enough money. And then the bill came in so much more. Annoying.

Then the water leak got going again – third time this year – so we got the plumber and he came out to fix it and it cost a bit more money than that super ‘fourty quid’ quote. Tiny but annoying.

Then the blue car gear box went and that will cost a lot of money. Annoying?

Annoyed?

Stealing my peace? YEAH

Taking away my joy? YEAH

Robbing my money from doing the things I want to do? YEAH.

So what am I going to do about it? What would you do?

a) Moan and moan and complain and get really really cross. Have a sad face, be sad, be unkind, be so sad that I lose all my friends and no-one wants to visit me….

b)know that there’s a whole load of stuff going on but remember that bit about not worrying.

c) don’t care at all. Not one tiny little bit. Not even flinch. Nada.

Yeh I’m type b. Wishing I could be person c. But that’s just not me. ok I’m a tiny bit a for like 2 mins and then realised where that was going to get me. No where – and fast

Well, I wanted to read about the provision of God. I know about being generous (I think -but could always learn more!) And was reading ten passages about God’s provision. The one that stands out to me is Matthew 6. Never read it in the message before, and it isn’t called ‘provision’ in the NIV version – look:

^30-33“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

I want to steep my life in God-reality, God-initiative and God-provision. I don’t know how to do that. Do you? I know that I should start by not getting in a fuss. And by giving. I want my everyday human concerns to be met.

So now the challenge begins. How do I learn not to worry: about what to wear, money, children, people, things, projects, plans, people, children, food…. money…! Not being annoyed. Trying to relax. I am going to learn this phrase above. And I’m going to learn to steep my life in God.

Steep:

–verb (used with object)

1.to soak in water or other liquid, as to soften, cleanse, orextract some constituent: to steep tea in boiling-hot water;to steep reeds for basket weaving.

2.to wet thoroughly in or with a liquid; drench; saturate;imbue.

3.to immerse in or saturate or imbue with some pervading,absorbing, or stupefying influence or agency.

Without worry – A xox

From a conversation I overheard… How to wreck relationships :(

Whilst out the other day, I overheard a lady let’s call her ‘Larissa’ explaining to another lady, let’s call her Melissa –  they weren’t close friends, and sadly, Melissa wasn’t too interested, rather Larissa was trying to explain her situation… It turns out Larissa has just told her husband to leave. (You know the conversation where you say nothing because one person does all the talking…? well that’s what Melissa’s role was!) How she was going to arrange a fake burglary to get the 50 inch plasma replaced as that’s the only thing he is taking. How she was going to get a new home because she was now a single parent. Oh and she was going to get fake nails, a tattoo and spray tan – because she was never allowed to before. All under the guise of her “looking after number one”. Disclaimer: I have no idea what Larissa’s family is going through. And I realise that I only heard a snippet. But, I have written everything I heard above.

As you can imagine, I was saddened for Larrisa’s situation. I wondered what had happened to get her to this point….

I woke up this morning thinking of her… There’s a chance I might see her again (and a chance I won’t!). And then I thought of how easy it would be to wreck a precious marriage/friendship/relationship. It would be really easy -

Be horrible. Be inconsiderate. Don’t care about the other person. Be mean. Withhold love. Be angry. Prefer other people. Compare your spouse (or friend) – if they come out better or worse the comparison still hurts. Complain. Be selfish. Hold grudges. Give up quickly.

You know the list could go on. And sometimes I do compare, complain, be selfish – you know, ‘be human’!! But I find myself reminded of 1 Corinthians 13 – it is diametrically opposed to EVERYTHING I wrote in my ‘how to wreck’ list.

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

How to love list: Be patient, and kind. Don’t be jealous, rude boastful or proud. Don’t be demanding and selfish. Don’t be irritable – or irritated! Forgive quickly, don’t hold onto grudges. Love the truth. Never give up on love.

To love, and keep loving takes more effort. It takes time, creativity and energy to protect friendships, relationships and marriages. But when ever I have tried, that effort has always been worth it

A friend reminded me of this scripture, (Ephesians 4 Amplified)

²⁹Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.

Like I said (ha!) using the Bible as a source to back up what I said. Rather the other way…. Like it says in Ephesians, may everything I do be a blessing to those who hear it.

Love xox