Sigh. Sob. Oh dear. Not sure how I’m going to get on with this…….. My girl is going to school ALL DAY. 6.5 hours. I am delighted that she is excited to go. But sad and incredibly emotional (!) that four years has passed in an instant. She was my tiny new born. And now it’s time to try school full-time. I was making her lunch and did it all just as we’d have lunch together. Then realised : I won’t be with her to have lunch. She doesn’t need my help to eat. She is physically ready to last a whole day at school. She is also socially ready to last a whole day, and I hope she’s academically ready. But this Mama is having a hard time!
And. It is okay for me to have a hard time about this. I feel so mixed. She is such a delight, so precious, so joyful. And then there are the times when I know that if she’s not listening to me when we do writing and reading at home that doesn’t benefit our mother- daughter relationship. If she didn’t have a school or preschool or social environment. I would have to create one for her. Beth comes alive (in a good way!) with more people. She is pretty lively at home, but I love the way she is around others – adults and children. She told me: “I always say “excuse me teacher” when I have to get teacher’s attention.” Yes, she doesn’t say Miss Lovelyteacher (of course I know it but some details are best left out!!) she interrupts in a polite way. So then if she has confidence to ask for help I should not be afraid. Actually I’m not afraid. Just worried……… Not about what could happen to her. She is pretty incredible (biased, but everyone knows I am!).
I finished making her lunch, closed the lid. Then reached out and wrote her a note. I want her to know that I think school is a good idea. She is so excited it’s unreal
Then the tears began to roll down my cheeks. They still are. Will have to stop this when she gets down stairs I began to pray. And I said : God would you help Bethany, would you protect her again.
And I realised. I had taken on the role of protection. Which. Is. Not. Right!!!!!!! Yes I look after her, care for her, love her and would do anything for her. But did I forget somewhere about how big God is. And His extravagant Love for Bethany Hope? That He has an incredible destiny for her and that He has ordained each and every one of her steps? Yep. I forgot. All the things I believe about my life and my destiny in God – which I pray for my children too. I just didn’t put it into her life in school.
Which is why I got so worried. I am thankful for God’s revelation to me this morning. Yes, the tears may roll when I miss her. But as Ryan prayed for me last night and thanked God for the new season, I must see it as that for us both. And for Ben. Although it won’t really change for me and Ben. He and I play/go out/meet people/etc in the mornings and in the afternoons he sleeps. So instead of us picking up Beth for me to have some girly time with her, I will have space for myself. WHAT. Did you read that?!
Maybe I am more afraid that I now have time to do all the stuff I dreamed of doing, and now I have the space I must do it………..? But worrying about my daughter would be much easier. Stopping her from stepping into the next thing would be wrong. So I will take heart. And trust God (in a whole new way). See if I wasn’t challenged to do this then I wouldn’t overcome. Perhaps there was something in your life that you were worried about and could side-step it rather than encounter it head on. Make it disappear. I realised, after talking to other wonderful mum’s at Church yesterday that me releasing Beth today is one of the first steps. They say it gets harder as the challenges get greater – the wonderful mum of a 16 year old who has a new college friend with a car who regales stories of near crashes (yeh, not ready for that!) or the sweetest mum with a 20 year old who is at University hours and hours and hours away who sometimes can’t chat on the phone because her life is so busy! (definitely not ready yet!!!) But I’m further along my journey of trusting God with Bethany’s precious life. And the way He will guide her, protect her and show her love in all circumstances.
Plus. School isn’t that bad I trained as a teacher. And you have to be a certain kind of person to teach. Someone who likes or LOVES children. Someone who wants children to succeed. Someone who is passionate to impart learning. Someone who looks like they are having a good day EVERY day. Yes. B’s teachers are quite something
So as I prepare for my day, with prayer and hope may God who is full of Love, full of Peace, full of Joy and full of Kindness show himself to us all in ways we can’t imagine yet. (and protect Bethany in everything…!) Amen xoxo
afterthought: If I care so greatly for my children, and God is the one who cares without human failings. Then um…. WOW. God cares even MORE than we know how to care. He loves even MORE than we know how to love. He has plans for us even more than we can understand at this point in our lives! Have a wonderful day xox